i woke up and told myself this will be the day i pretend to be a tai tai. so i went out for a facial, then a spa, and a mani-pedi. i had afternoon tea and dinner at extravagant restaurants. interspersed throughout the day, i went about buying things i didn’t need.

i feel an idiot at the end of it. my experiment (which was meant to be a treat for myself) showed me that blind consumerism is simply not for me. when i look at my old purse, which is at a state of wear where it could either be kept or thrown away, i realise that i don’t want to choose the latter. not that i can’t afford to, but what for? it has been good and useful and faithful to me over the years, it has been worth every cent that was spent on it, so why should i discard it just because it is old? why do we throw away things just because of their age? this is like a husband abandoning his old but faithful old wife and trading up for a young girl.

i may even say that i develop feelings for my belongings. articles that have gone through time with me are imbued with character and attitude. if we throw away things that still work just simply because they are old, are we throwing out the soul?

i remind myself that i must look at my old clothings from a fresh perspective. unless they are outrageously outdated or worn, take them out for a good wash or a dry clean, put them on and bring them out to meet the light again. they are old friends that have been through old times with you, now they are vintage cool. put them on proudly, put them on with attitude, now we have character that does not come with some thing brand new, hot off the shelf.

there is something regressive about the use and throw mentality. why do women pick up ten pairs of shoes during a shoe sale, buying in bulk just because of low pricing? why dont people just buy a few really good (and likely to be expensive) ones, and wear them faithfully for a long time? do people believe that they are runway models, and need a huge variety to sustain a fashion-chameleon image?

promiscuous consumerism - random buying to satisfy some sort of a void, senseless hoarding of material goods, rash purchase motivated by herd behaviour - doesnt make sense for anyone who is not rich and flush with disposable cash. and how many of us are not rich and flush with disposable cash? that makes 80% of society.

my dream is to own things that are good enough to be valued as vintage when they are old, used with pride and maintained with pride. perhaps, even good enough to pass on to the next generation - a gorgeous, equisite bag, used carefully and preserved for a future daughter, a lovely dress for special occasions that is saved like a precious antique. hopefully someone after me will chance upon them, and appreciate their beauty that is all the more enhanced by the memories held in it.

i can’t be bothered what you think about me or what you say about me.

when i appear as the underdog you act like you are better than me, when i have the upper hand you stab at me with jealousy. so what are you? you are just dog’s piss.

so get lost, you ugly face

recently, i caught up with an old friend whom i have grown cold to. it has been years since we last spoke.

circumstances in her life have changed. she feels that she has achieved certain things and she cannot stop boasting about them and judging others based on them.

oh please. you think you are so great because you have not seen better. because in the first place, you choose to operate in a low-level circle and interact with low-calibre people so that you can perceive yourself as the best. because opening your eyes to people better than you will absolutely kill you - you can’t handle it.

you have a diamond, oh please, lots of others out there have it and theirs is bigger than yours. you have a car? oh please, a Korean?  

we stopped going out years ago because your small mind is suffocating to those around you. the problem doesn’t lie with your smaller diamond or your smaller car but with your inner smallness. as long as you continue to want to think of yourself as being better than everyone else, you will remain lowly at heart.

that is why i have nothing to say to you

there will always be people who look for you only when they want something out of you. it is likely to be one of the two things: money or sex.

someone came to me selling financial services. he asked me for a favour if i could put him through to people in that certain income bracket he was targeting. i laughed inside. i am in that bracket, but because of the way he conducted himself, i was not going to help him.

someone came to me selling MLM. dont even get me started on it.

people come inundating my virtual sites with sexy suggestions. i will ignore them. let me just see how long they can keep it up.

my word to the salespeople and sex predators out there is - treat people like they are stupid and you are the one to end up looking like the fool.

some people have no self-respect. but self-respect can only be learnt, not taught

it was 7pm, it was a windy evening, and i wandered around City Hall, anxiety brewing at the back of my mind that no amount of walking about could distract me from.

i have made a decision, a huge decision, which involves a lot of money. it frightens me, what i have done. but it was a decision that i made alone. it was a decision i made in the quiet. it was my decision, my will, my own intention.

over the past weeks, i have lost myself in other engagements, and almost lost sight of this matter. so much so that this whole plan seems distant and vague. so i walked around, trying to reconnect with the motivations that led me to this Decision.

and i remembered.

i remember that im a determined person and i wont give up on something that i have set my mind on, even if the process will take me some time.

i remember that i have always wanted to be a different person from what i am. i have made progress over the years. now is another leap in the right direction.

but that doesn’t stop me from being afraid.

im very afraid

Verloren in den Rhythmus des täglichen Lebens, Immer dann, wenn die Gedanken an meine kühnen Pläne Kreuz meiner Meinung nach, alle scheinen weit und irrelevant. Es ist, als ob die Person, die dies geplant war ein voller Fremder. Ich gehe mit diesem Fremden, dennoch. Ein unbekanntes Abenteuer besser als die alte. Gibt es nun kein Halten mehr. nein, nicht jetzt …

ein ruhiges Wochenende

i know fully well in my head that you do not have my interests at heart.

as a result, i know what i’m going to do.

life is long.

internet has opened up whole new avenues for people to indulge in perversions such as voyeurism and exhibitionism. people who have blogs use them to exhibit certain aspects of themselves that they particularly wish to present, and read other people’s blogs to peep into their inner worlds. blogism is voyeurism and exhibitionism rolled into one.

i follow many blogs, some for as long as 4 years, fascinated by their daily drama and melodrama. it is almost like im watching a permanent reality show. as for the entries that i myself made many years ago, i find them hilarious. i am no longer that little girl who wrote them, and on many levels i can no longer relate much to that person. but i treasure them as records of the days of my youth, who experienced things, most of which are not relevant to me today.

recently, i feel very disturbed, because i sense people stalking me via this blog. this is not the first time that someone has typed my name into a search engine, and is strangely led here even though i have never mentioned my name here ever. such phenomena intrigue me so, to the point that im forced to believe that the internet must involve some sort of black magic.

but the problem lies with me, who have underestimated the extent of other people’s curiosity. but then, if you are curious about me, here is it. this is my blog, which contains some funny and some dreadful entries. but it doesnt change anything, im still what you see, and im still real at heart.

life is strange, and life is funny …

im sad because the Maid has been deported away. she got herself pregnant and had to be sent away by law. she was discovered to be pregnant in the morning, and she was gone the very same day.

why oh why, did you do what you did? we were breathing the same air and sitting in the same space, why did you do that shameful deed in secret? when the small children came you were addressed as an Aunt and everyone treated you with courtesy regardless of status. so why did you have to go and do such a thing?

i remember your bowl of kacang mereh last night and i still remember thinking how sweet, kind and gentle you are. you lived in peace under a safe roof so why did you have to do that shameful thing you did?

we chatted sometimes and you told me about that cat in your old home that gave birth to five kittens, only one of which survived. that cat and the only surviving kitten in that poor rural home that must be so abject that i do not even dare to imagine in my head. now you are back there because of your mistake.

i feel shocked but i feel saddened. i feel shocked because you went to geylang and did it with a migrant worker for whatever fun it was worth. i feel saddened because what sort of mental and emotional hell did you go through the last five months, while we were breathing the same air in the same space?

i fear for you, what your husband would do to you. how you will never be allowed to work as a domestic helper in any country again. about this future bastard child. about how much you would suffer from now on. all this because you made a mistake while we were sharing the same air and space. a nightmare that will be very dark and very long, which you brought upon yourself ruining your placid life here.

please take care

there are only so much memories that the mind can accomodate. memories that have lost their relevance and practicality are best pushed to the darkest archives, where it matters not if they are ever retrieved.

2007 has been an eventful and dramatic year for me. i have now moved into another phase of life where much of what happened before July lies buried. just as i was beginning to forget, i started seeing them in Facebook. there the person is, friend of a mutual friend. haunting me with the closeness of his existence, and reawakening emotions of bitterness.

then on the same day, i think i might have seen his car not once but twice. his car is very rare in Singapore, and i had to see it in my very neighbourhood. and the driver craned his head to watch me as he drove past.

why am i attaching significance to these non-events? because while all that had happened means absolutely nothing now, triggers could still transmit themselves over that long distance to that dark archive, revive those memories and elicit responses.

this is all so pointless and so silly, isn’t it?

i should be up to something useful this weekend. i should be reading something, going out to meet someone, checking out somewhere new, even doing my laundry. most of all, i should be studying …

but can i say that i just refuse to do any of these? simply because i do not feel like it? that i feel tired pushing myself and that i just want to lie down to sleep or just browse the internet aimlessly? people go through different phases in life. at this stage, if i have private time, i want to rest and take a breather, and i do not wish to feel guilty about it …

there was a time when hours of saturday afternoon were spent elaborately dolling up, in high anticipation for the night to come. now, i do not even really miss that. i walk about the house with unwashed hair. i drift in and out doing nothing in particular. i feel bad wasting my time, because in life, there is so little of it, but can i just say that i am wasting my time because im tired to my bones?

i want to rise above my sentiments and urges but somehow i cannot summon my conscious will to resist them. not fighting back makes me feel like a thorough loser, is there a way that i can allow myself a break without feeling that i am doing myself a grievous wrong?

even this pointless rationalisation of my present state wears me out so. i am just too tensed. get an alpha male in my life to kick me into happy and mindless acceptance of the universe … ha ha. lame … that is just so lame …

why, i have got no idea. i tried to talk to this friend of mine about sex (in general), she was shocked and affronted. i have not heard from her for days, i think she views me as a pariah now. it is funny how the world is so big and the many different types of people that can exist in it. i could have lost a friend simply because i am too lewd by her yardstick. i can’t believe this is 2007.

i just went on holiday alone. getting on a holiday, on impulse and on immediate notice, is a luxury that only single people can afford. being alone means that everything turns out more expensive, but then there is the supreme luxury of privacy and having all to oneself, and in a way, this made me feel like a queen. no nosy tour guides, no need to bother with fellow travellors, no need to show any courtesy to roommates, no need to share anything, yes it is all for me and for myself. so in a way, this is a premium worth paying for. for two days, i am the boss and The Boss.

i can already fully imagine myself as a lifelong bachelorette, going this way and that alone, enjoying everything by myself. but isn’t this what i wanted it to be? weren’t there times when i looked at bachelors and bachelorettes, seeing the carefree and self-indulgent lives, and think that theirs is the glamour i need? so this is a small step towards that big picture.

well done girl, this is a pat on the shoulder for myself … 

some years ago when i was still a little girl, there was a period when i lapsed into a deep depression. that was the same time when i toyed with smoking. in moments when i felt unhappy, i lit up and inhaled, half-hoping that it would give me brief respite from the troubles in my head. but somehow my body never took to smoking nor did i ever become physically addicted. im lucky in that way.

so in those days i would carry a small packet of Marlborough Lights with me, yes, the girlie cigarettes. and it was that time when due to some twists and turn of fate i came to take up a temporary job on jurong island.

jurong island is not a country club or a resort paradise, for non-singaporeans out there. jurong island is a utopia - for high-end heavy industry, a protected sanctuary for oil refinery work and related industries. situated at the far-fung west, it is inaccessible and isolated, a place where helicopters hover overhead, and men stand guard with rifles.

it was in a state of emotional estrangement and social alienation that i came to work temporarily on jurong island. riding quietly on the jurong island bus, i felt that it was taking me further and further away from the madding crowd, i felt that i was going on exile.

on bright days jurong island is all blue skies and blue seas. when the sun shone on cargo containers stacked up high, the silver-grey refinery plants and the long stretches of oft-empty roads, there was beauty in it all. and on vast grounds of industrial complexes, a world unto their own, it was easy to forget life outside. it was really like a holiday of some sort, not a fun resort, not a cheery getaway to the seaside, but it was really a respite in its own way. there were so many times when i watched the waves lapped the shores, and marvelled at how lovely it seemed.

once when my handbag was undergoing a routine check at a doorway, the guard asked me about my cigarettes. you smoke? he asked, with no point in it at all. i was annoyed and did not entertain him. i tried to smoke, but never really even enjoyed it. i was trying to see if it could alleviate my mental anguish. but he asked me that, as if i was a little slut who loves to strike poses with phallic objects. perhaps that described me subconsciously, though never consciously so.

the jurong island story ended with me getting a formal job and leaving. and i stopped trying to smoke a few months after that. so a chapter in my life closed, and the languishing little girl took on another persona.

will that little girl riding on that quiet bus, with Marlborough Lights in her handbag, ever imagine that one day she will rise beyond that? does she know that things can change and life can be different? i wish she had known better then, and had not been so sad all the time. i wish i could reach out to comfort her, to tell her that it is going to be ok.

it will be ok. 

excluding the convertible car (i have to confess im a dumb girl and appreciate nothing about cars whatsoever, except their price tags so that i can gauge the worth of the man who woos me) and the costs of raising a little kitty cat in Singapore (my guess, $3,000 over its lifetime, say, 5 years?), i need only S$99,000 to become a happier girl. this works out to be only USD 65,000. see? you dont need to be a millionairess to be happy!!!! in fact, you only need to be an average, easy-going citizen. costs breakdown below:

1) one carat diamond $15,000

2) one pair of earrings, 0.5 carat each $15,000

3) diamond bracelet $8,000

4) cosmetic surgeries x 3 (boob job + nose job + eyelid job) $30,000

5) intense pulsed light x 2 (hair removal + skin smoothening) $7,000

6) chanel 2.55 handbag $4,000

7) Patek Philippe watch $20,000

1) i want bigger boobs

2) i want a Chanel 2.55 handbag, black or beige

3) i want a diamond ring at least the size of one carat

4) i want diamond earrings, 0.5 carat each

5) i want a convertible car

6) i want a Rolex watch

7) or a Patek Philippe

8) i want to undergo another nose job to perfect things

9) i want another cosmetic procedure to widen my eyes more

10) i want a diamond bracelet

11) i want to keep a kitten

12) i want to have Intense Pulsed Light to remove all undesirable bodily hairs

13) i want to have Intense Pulsed Light to shrink all my facial pores

14) i want to have a boyfriend whom i am not too crazy about but who comes in handy for certain things, and who doesnt bother me

15) i want to contact all the people in my life who have helped me and have been kind to me, to say a huge thank you to them and make them feel special and appreciated

16) i want to build up an investment portfolio that can yield stable and solid income streams and appreciate in capital

17) i want to go on a holiday and be completely stress free while im on it

18) i want to have a close group of girlfriends that i love and can share anything with

19) i want to prove to all those who have wished me ill that i’m not what they think

20) i want to have deep faith in myself, such that nothing anyone says can sway me

sometimes my social life could be so deplorable that i would sign up for something like free beauty product trials on a friday night. if i were a true blue high-flying glam puss, i wont be doing something like that. i would be too busy attending some high-life cocktail party in a grand hotel, or in a cool dude’s sports car having the wildest time of my life. but free beauty product trials are indeed, to be truthful, very, very fun as well.

first of all, i get to play with a whole plethora of beauty products and sample them without any inhibitions whatsoever. it is like a child being let loose with a room full of Playdoh. secondly, i get to meet other ladies who all bond together over the topic of beauty. they come from all walks of life, have different backgrounds and perspectives and are all interesting in their own ways.

one of the ladies was in her forties and older than all of us. she looked like a housewife, with her middle-aged bulk and all. her face bore the signs of age. in terms of her demeanour she seems nothing out of the ordinary. so it seems contradictory that she had a very delicate sensitivity to things feminine and beautiful. the exquisite bracelet she wore revealed her refined taste, and her car, filled with curious and outlandish objects, showed the level of sophistication that one would never associate with her appearance on first glance.

what impressed me was the very contradiction of it all. she may be old and overweight, but she has an avid interest in lovely things. perhaps i am being very narrow-minded, because i have never been around overweight older persons much. but it struck me that we all have the right to love and surround ourselves with beautiful things, even though we ourselves may fall short of being beautiful. this is something that all of us deserve.

this is a revelation to me, though it may be obvious to others. because i was the girl who was dissatisfied with her appearance, did everything she could to change it, and then only after that indulged in expensive cosmetics, designer clothes and accessories. i thought i deserved none of those things when i thought i was ugly. but seeing the lives of others, i think it need not be.

but even then, i have to admit, there were many times i saw a fat chick carrying a cool handbag and think that she ruined it. the fact that she bought it doesnt matter, it just seemed that she doesnt deserve it. so im still superficial. i do understand truths, but that doesnt stop me from being shallow.

such is the irony of my life.

i have been seeing this man around my sister, he looks like the good sort. and i found out subsequently that he might become my brother-in-law! this is nothing short of excellent! he is a great catch and everything, genteel looking, good education, parents who are professionals with a bit of assets, and interesting siblings. happy news! i hope it all works out.

if there is a way i love to live, it is to be curious always and to satisfy that curiosity. one of the things i have been curious about is my bachelor friend. he is a good guy, nothing but the best gentleman to me. so it reflects badly on no one but myself that im curious about his sex life (or the lack of it).

after tennis, we went out for dinner which i meant to throw as a farewell party for him. after downing a couple of mouthfuls of beer, which made me tipsy being the kitten that i am, i gathered the courage to ask him whether he visited prostitutes. i posed it as an objective question, and qualified before asking that he could choose to ignore my query should he find it offensive. no, he doesn’t, he said. and i believe him.

so, he asked me back, is it better to worse to die a virgin than to visit a prostitute? well, being the red-blooded woman that i am, i had to be honest that it is worse to die a virgin. but to some people, the risks to hazard in the quest for a bedmate are worse than dying as virgins, which sweetly summarises why they stay celibate and chaste against their wills.

bachelor friend and i … he is a nice friend to me, we have known each other for nearly one year. we have been platonic, but over the last two months since my last break up, i have begun to appreciate his presence in my life more. he and i go for tennis together and i enjoy having a friend in the class.

bachelor friend is flying overseas for a long work stint, like nearly everyone else i know. singapore is small and the way to move ahead is to go global. last night was his second last here, for which i felt poignant for no good reason. and as he drove me home, i felt like asking him for a kiss. he has been so kind to me, i wanted to have a brief moment of intimacy with him. then he will fly off and i will go back to my life, and it would be as if nothing took place.

but no, that would ruin everything. friendships are hard to come by, and also he would make excellent platonic buddy material decades down the road when we will be middle-aged and single and everyone else around us have teenage children. let us not ruin a good and simple affair with some hormonally-driven mistake.

so long, friend, this post is dedicated to you!